[ The mask is a necessary barrier between Kakashi and the rest of the world. What he holds inside himself and buries, what he rarely reveals. He keeps himself tightly bound, locked up. Rarely ever showing his face, if only because he doesn't want to be figured out. Doesn't want anyone to know how easy it is to see him for what he really is, read him the way one would read a book, or realize how easily emotion takes on a life of its own on his face. And that's always been the problem, isn't it.
He feels too much, when he shouldn't feel at all.
It's why he usually only ever shows his face when he thinks he's in complete control. When he thinks he has nothing to hide, or when he just doesn't give a fuck enough to care. Or when he trusts someone completely, enough to put his life in their hands. Enough to let them hold him down and fuck him with a hand around the throat that could crush or caress or simply hold.
He doesn't have to be in control of this, in control of himself, to know he can trust the hand that holds him now. To know that he can show Erwin what he hides under his mask and not feel vulnerable, or too exposed. And that's really what this comes down to, isn't it. How exposed he will feel by this. How much he thinks Erwin will see without a mask to cover his face.
He thinks he might just let Erwin pull his mask down if he tries, because he knows what comes after -- hard, devouring kisses, intended to consume the other. And maybe Erwin will be so distracted by the kissing that he won't even have time to really study what he reads on Kakashi's face, which is what Kakashi always told himself when he brought home comrades, partners he could trust to do to him what Erwin is doing right now.
Through the roar of his pulse thudding in his ears, and the surge of pleasure from Erwin's knee encouraging him to rut (and he does, undulating his hips with purpose, grinding the growing bulge at the front of his pants against the hard surface, all the while breathing heavily, audibly through his mask), Kakashi realizes belatedly that Erwin'd freed one of his hands and is caressing the side of his face, right where the edge of his mask begins. Realizes that his mouth is shaping words, and those words are requesting permission. It occurs to Kakashi then that it matters to Erwin that this is his choice, not Erwin's. And just like that, any reservation or doubt he might have had about pulling down his mask evaporates.
He brings his free hand up to mold over Erwin's, and wordlessly, curls both their fingers into the edge of his mask and peels it down.
He never much considered himself to be particularly spectacular or attractive, especially when he boasts a nose that's a little crooked from all the times he's had it broken and didn't bother to get it properly healed; when a scar splits his left eye (which is still hidden under his hitai-ate), and another cuts across the left corner of his mouth, which isn't too full or too thin -- simply average; when tinier scars criss-cross over his jaw and throat. It's not a perfect face, and he isn't even clean-shaven -- he rarely ever is, as the mask chafes over freshly shaved skin. Nothing too impressive, and nothing to be embarrassed by.
But even still, he hopes Erwin at least likes what he sees, or finds it acceptable. ]
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He feels too much, when he shouldn't feel at all.
It's why he usually only ever shows his face when he thinks he's in complete control. When he thinks he has nothing to hide, or when he just doesn't give a fuck enough to care. Or when he trusts someone completely, enough to put his life in their hands. Enough to let them hold him down and fuck him with a hand around the throat that could crush or caress or simply hold.
He doesn't have to be in control of this, in control of himself, to know he can trust the hand that holds him now. To know that he can show Erwin what he hides under his mask and not feel vulnerable, or too exposed. And that's really what this comes down to, isn't it. How exposed he will feel by this. How much he thinks Erwin will see without a mask to cover his face.
He thinks he might just let Erwin pull his mask down if he tries, because he knows what comes after -- hard, devouring kisses, intended to consume the other. And maybe Erwin will be so distracted by the kissing that he won't even have time to really study what he reads on Kakashi's face, which is what Kakashi always told himself when he brought home comrades, partners he could trust to do to him what Erwin is doing right now.
Through the roar of his pulse thudding in his ears, and the surge of pleasure from Erwin's knee encouraging him to rut (and he does, undulating his hips with purpose, grinding the growing bulge at the front of his pants against the hard surface, all the while breathing heavily, audibly through his mask), Kakashi realizes belatedly that Erwin'd freed one of his hands and is caressing the side of his face, right where the edge of his mask begins. Realizes that his mouth is shaping words, and those words are requesting permission. It occurs to Kakashi then that it matters to Erwin that this is his choice, not Erwin's. And just like that, any reservation or doubt he might have had about pulling down his mask evaporates.
He brings his free hand up to mold over Erwin's, and wordlessly, curls both their fingers into the edge of his mask and peels it down.
He never much considered himself to be particularly spectacular or attractive, especially when he boasts a nose that's a little crooked from all the times he's had it broken and didn't bother to get it properly healed; when a scar splits his left eye (which is still hidden under his hitai-ate), and another cuts across the left corner of his mouth, which isn't too full or too thin -- simply average; when tinier scars criss-cross over his jaw and throat. It's not a perfect face, and he isn't even clean-shaven -- he rarely ever is, as the mask chafes over freshly shaved skin. Nothing too impressive, and nothing to be embarrassed by.
But even still, he hopes Erwin at least likes what he sees, or finds it acceptable. ]