[Ginia lets Kakashi pull her close to him even as she hates herself for crying in front of him. She knows he's not judging her, though she's certainly coming down hard on herself. But it is embarrassing and she wonders if it's changing how he sees her. Realistically she knows it does; every detail shapes understanding of a person. It would be remiss of him not to keep everything in mind, especially as far as the alliance goes.
Crying reminds her of too much. It reminds her of a lonely 22-year-old grieving for her family, stitches and bandages binding one arm together. Of an angry 31-year-old confronting the brother who had betrayed their family and abandoned her. Of too many other memories because the world was a horrible place and the Malnosso had done her the courtesy of drawing repressed memories back front. And with memories come fear and sadness and loneliness and feeling powerless.
And that was how her kidnapping made her feel. She was powerless again. They'd taken her and she fought with everything and it wasn't enough. And if that wasn't good enough, then what was? What good was she? What good was a gun without bullets? a knife without an edge? You could still bludgeon someone with a gun, but that wasn't effective or its intended purpose.
So what was her purpose now?
Crying may release some emotions, but there are others that hold on, digging deep into her mind, twisting and poisoning her thoughts.
'Never take your eye off the enemy in front of you, or you're as good as dead.'
She remembers reality, a kunai at her throat, an arm holding her tight and a whispered warning.
'You're worthless trash.'
She remembers false memories, an arm holding her tight, a husky statement, a kunai slashing her throat open.
Why was it so easy to remember dying?
Right, because she was dead. Because even if some memories said otherwise - she refused to help and lived on in peace; she accepted the proposal and got married - the reality was she made a mistake. She made a mistake and she paid for it. And no matter how much she wanted to enjoy her life here, take a second chance and live on happily, that was a lie.
It too would end. Wasn't that the alliance's goal? To send everyone home?
Ginia's tears subside. She pulls away and puts on a smile because there's her mask and shield.]
no subject
Crying reminds her of too much. It reminds her of a lonely 22-year-old grieving for her family, stitches and bandages binding one arm together. Of an angry 31-year-old confronting the brother who had betrayed their family and abandoned her. Of too many other memories because the world was a horrible place and the Malnosso had done her the courtesy of drawing repressed memories back front. And with memories come fear and sadness and loneliness and feeling powerless.
And that was how her kidnapping made her feel. She was powerless again. They'd taken her and she fought with everything and it wasn't enough. And if that wasn't good enough, then what was? What good was she? What good was a gun without bullets? a knife without an edge? You could still bludgeon someone with a gun, but that wasn't effective or its intended purpose.
So what was her purpose now?
Crying may release some emotions, but there are others that hold on, digging deep into her mind, twisting and poisoning her thoughts.
'Never take your eye off the enemy in front of you, or you're as good as dead.'
She remembers reality, a kunai at her throat, an arm holding her tight and a whispered warning.
'You're worthless trash.'
She remembers false memories, an arm holding her tight, a husky statement, a kunai slashing her throat open.
Why was it so easy to remember dying?
Right, because she was dead. Because even if some memories said otherwise - she refused to help and lived on in peace; she accepted the proposal and got married - the reality was she made a mistake. She made a mistake and she paid for it. And no matter how much she wanted to enjoy her life here, take a second chance and live on happily, that was a lie.
It too would end. Wasn't that the alliance's goal? To send everyone home?
Ginia's tears subside. She pulls away and puts on a smile because there's her mask and shield.]
/...Why am I here? I should be dead./