はたけ・カカシ 「HATAKE KAKASHI」 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ura_no_ura) wrote2012-04-01 04:09 am
ura_no_ura) wrote2012-04-01 04:09 am
[IC] Appointments
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no subject
There is no equivocation about what she's asking for here, and Kakashi understands it far too well, the need to let yourself go by letting someone else in.
There were times in Konoha when he thought night would ever end, when he'd forget what it meant to even be human or if he even was; and when the shadows drew so long he could no longer separate them from himself, the only thing that could ever bring him back from the edge and into himself was to be reminded in the most visceral, physical way that he could still feel anything at all.
Anything real.
Even if it meant being carved up on the inside, bruises blooming on his knees and hips and around his throat, fucked so hard, all he could feel was what slammed into him and the raw, hungry pleasure that overwhelmed the feeling of blood on his hands, the taste of it in his mouth.
He never really did consider it a distraction, so much as it was a process of decompressing, rearranging the parts of himself he could no longer recognize into something that vaguely resembled the shape of a man.
He doesn't know what it was that they did to Ginia that she needs this, too. But the times he's offered himself up to comrades in this way had always been in the aftermath of something terrible. Unspeakable.
(So they spoke with their bodies, instead.)
Reaching out, Kakashi grazes his knuckles against Ginia's cheekbone before his fingers turn and cup her face, tilting her chin up as his mouth comes down in a kiss that is immediately insistent and demanding. Equal parts tender and rough. ]
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At the same time, she's everyone's else's distraction too. The one to hold someone's hair back as they vomit and sob over a toilet or in a back alley, the supportive hugs and shoulder rubs, the willing sparring partner, bed partner.
Ginia knows what it means to give and be the one to drink up someone's misery and let it bleed into every part because someone has to stay strong. But even the strongest walls show wear overtime and the Malnosso had a week to chip and hammer away. And oh, she'll rebuilt in time. She always does because that's what you do. Cobble and glue yourself back together before someone else comes along to tear you down.
(Someone always does. It's how the world works. It's not a branching path but interconnected circles that go around and around.)
When Kakashi kisses her, Ginia lets him take control as she presses again him. She'll let him take control, do as he see fit because even if she hasn't had control for a week, she's not ready to take it back. Not yet, not when she feels so raw and jagged and anger is at the forefront and every throat looks the same when you're seeing red.
Bleeding out is better this way. Better her than someone else. Better her than someone else.]
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He kisses her in a way that's all-consuming, all tongue and teeth and heat as the hand cupping her face slides to grip the nape of her neck, squeezing as he pulls her forward, his other hand sliding to curl around her side in a swift, steady stroke.
What he's doing here for her has nothing to do with what he wants or needs, has nothing to do with the times they've shared their bodies, or all the other times they've kissed.
This is a process, a deliverance, a release. This is Kakashi telling Ginia that she doesn't need to be in control at the moment, that she can be weak, vulnerable, can let him help her put together the pieces of her that cut apart her hands at the moment. That she can let go and let him hold onto her, steady and strong like the earth in the midst of a storm. Let it rage on over them both, high up overhead, ripping up the detritus of the past and laying the ground bare so she can start over again. ]
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So with wants she can't have and needs she's unsure of, how can she not take whatever comes her way? Oh she'll fight for what she can get and hold on tight, but scraps will feel the emptiest of bellies.
It's pathetic and Ginia knows it.
So she's not sure what to do when Kakashi gives her a chance to let go of things. She falls into his hard kisses and hold, holds him back and squeezes him tight, tries to focus on the feelings and the motions, but it's not about that. It's not about sex, about senseless fucking. It's not even about finding a way to punish for things no one is holding against her but herself.
It's letting go. Letting everything out until there's nothing left so she can fill herself up again with something new. It's a long-needed cathartic release that only someone who understands can give. And their backgrounds are nothing alike, their worlds are nothing alike, and she's never asked for details because pasts are dangerous. Pasts can say a lot and sometimes looking too deep changes things.
(Mostly she knows if she looks too deep into his past, then he's allowed to look back into her's.)
But they have their scars, the cautious tics that come with a life of danger, the guarded interactions, the things that never need to be said because those who know will understand.
And right now Kakashi understands. He understands and it's the last spike needed to break her wall down.
There's a thin line between laughing and crying and when Ginia tears away from him it would be easy to mistake the former for the latter if it weren't the tears falling down her cheek. She doesn't even realize she's begun crying until her vision is blurry and breathing becomes harder. Her head bows, chin touching her chest as she sobs out her pain, her pride, everything she's kept bottled up.]
/Sorry. Sorry. Sorry./
[Ginia doesn't even know why she's apologizing, though the sign comes quick. Old habit. A way to salvage her pride. She doesn't know anymore.]
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What they don't reveal to one another, what they don't dare to learn. Some scars go far too deep. Trying to plumb the their depths is like walking into a riptide -- you might just drown if you're not ready. If you can't handle the pull. And Kakashi rarely ever would want to drag anyone down with him, just as he understands why Ginia might not be ready to have him wade into her waters, even if he can handle it and can take it on.
He hadn't expected Ginia to pull away when she did, had thought for a moment that maybe he had been too aggressive, that he'd hurt her in some way, crossed a line she wasn't ready to cross, and had almost been on the verge of an apology when he saw the tears glittering sharp on her cheeks.
It gives him pause for a moment to see her like this, if only because it's rare that he ever finds himself in a position with a woman crying in front of him in the privacy of his own home. Almost isn't sure what to even do at first, but then just acts on instinct, letting his hands move as he gently pulls Ginia to him, tucking her under his chin. ]
Don't apologize.
[ Murmured after a moment, a hand gently stroking its way through her hair. ]
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Crying reminds her of too much. It reminds her of a lonely 22-year-old grieving for her family, stitches and bandages binding one arm together. Of an angry 31-year-old confronting the brother who had betrayed their family and abandoned her. Of too many other memories because the world was a horrible place and the Malnosso had done her the courtesy of drawing repressed memories back front. And with memories come fear and sadness and loneliness and feeling powerless.
And that was how her kidnapping made her feel. She was powerless again. They'd taken her and she fought with everything and it wasn't enough. And if that wasn't good enough, then what was? What good was she? What good was a gun without bullets? a knife without an edge? You could still bludgeon someone with a gun, but that wasn't effective or its intended purpose.
So what was her purpose now?
Crying may release some emotions, but there are others that hold on, digging deep into her mind, twisting and poisoning her thoughts.
'Never take your eye off the enemy in front of you, or you're as good as dead.'
She remembers reality, a kunai at her throat, an arm holding her tight and a whispered warning.
'You're worthless trash.'
She remembers false memories, an arm holding her tight, a husky statement, a kunai slashing her throat open.
Why was it so easy to remember dying?
Right, because she was dead. Because even if some memories said otherwise - she refused to help and lived on in peace; she accepted the proposal and got married - the reality was she made a mistake. She made a mistake and she paid for it. And no matter how much she wanted to enjoy her life here, take a second chance and live on happily, that was a lie.
It too would end. Wasn't that the alliance's goal? To send everyone home?
Ginia's tears subside. She pulls away and puts on a smile because there's her mask and shield.]
/...Why am I here? I should be dead./
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So many in Luceti have been given a second chance, after all. Kakashi sometimes isn't even sure if he's amongst them -- after all, the last thing he remembered was the pain of being split apart by a blade going straight through him. The sharp burn, low in his belly, right where the celiac artery runs. For all he knows, he could have bled out in Obito's dimension, cut off from the rest of the world. Sometimes he wonders if he survived it. Sometimes he's not so sure.
Either way, he'd be living on borrowed time.
His expression is soft as he looks down at her, takes in the sight of the smile that doesn't reach her eyes. A smile that's not all too different from the very tangible mask he normally wears over his face. ]
Technically, so should I.
[ His own lips slowly turn up at the edges, a ghost of a smile. ]
But I suppose we were given another chance.
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So if he's another for the list... well, it's not easy to know or think about. Probably no easier than it was for Levi to hear earlier in the day. (One day she'd have to tell Erwin. It'd only be fair.) It doesn't even change he's one of the people in charge of the alliance and a known goal is finding a way for people to get home because people do need to go home. This place is good and Ginia will stay if she can, but it's not for everyone. Some have their lives to continue on.]
/It's what everyone says./
[And she's tried to make the best of her time in Luceti. She's tried to make herself useful in order to make up her past life and also out of hope proving her worth would let her stay around longer. An unfounded theory from Clove, but it seemed to be working so far.
Didn't stop her from being kidnapped, but maybe that was her usual luck running out.]
/...Do you know what the worst thing about being taken was? Not knowing when I would come back. If I would come back./
[Knowing she was going to be taken due to a reading from Rei was bad in itself. It made her cautious and paranoid for something that would happen at an unknown time. But being taken and then not knowing how long she would be there, not knowing what would happen, even if she was drugged and disoriented most of the time, it was a fear that hadn't left her.
In her world, there were people that would have turned over heaven and hell to get her back. They would have mobilized the moment she knew. Or she could have figured out her own escape or means of securing her escape.
Here in Luceti, what could anyone do?]
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His hand travels, moving to rest on her back gently as he keeps her close. A comforting touch, he hopes.
Doesn't say anything, because right now isn't the time for him to speak.
Right now is the time for him to listen. ]
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[Ginia's hands fall down to her sides, finally done with words. Her own depression was now anger again, at the kidnappings, at the complacency at the village, being taken.
And maybe even a little at the fact no one came to help. Living in a building full of ninjas and titan slayers and not a single person noticed.]