ura_no_ura | [IC] Appointments

[Ginia closes her journal. She spends a few more minutes petting Laika, before sliding off the bed and whistling for her to follow. Laika is always welcome company up in Kakashi's apartment and after being away from her dog for a week, Ginia isn't eager to leave her alone again.

It's perhaps telling Ginia, punctual as she is, takes a bit longer to arrive at Kakashi's apartment. She fusses around the apartment a little more, tidying up, rearranging, looking for any more pieces of broken glass or wood. When she finally leaves, she takes her time going up the stairs and stops in front of his door.

She's gone to his apartment several times for a distraction at night and the occasional afternoon. Times her mind was too full and she needed something to distract her or tire her out. Sex is an appealing distraction right now, but Ginia isn't sure that's what she wants either.

Right now she's not sure what she wants anymore.

Even if the door is unlocked, she knocks before entering, Laika also heralding their arrival with a friendly bark.]

[ The moment the door cracks open, Kakashi's dogs start barking excitedly as they go running, scrambling down the hall to greet their visitors, nails pitter-pattering across the hard floor as they round the bend and go careening into Ginia's legs, nose bumping their hello at Laika as they circle her excitedly.

They're too well trained to jump up on Ginia, but they do sniff at her and bark.

All with the exception of Pakkun, who more or less hangs back from the doorway and just raises a paw in greeting.

Kakashi comes out of the kitchen area with a bottle of Scotch in one hand and two glasses in the other, and glances over at Ginia and Laika, giving her a nod from the distance as he sets the glasses down on the table and pours.

For the most part, she seems to be in one piece. Physically, anyway. ]

Drink?

[ He picks up one of the glasses with his fingertips and holds it out towards her. ]

[Laika happily bumps noses with her friends, glad to see them after a week away. Ginia also kneels down to greet them, taking her time scratching the ears and necks of each dog.

She nods at Kakashi and stands, taking the glass. Alcohol is probably a bad idea. She should keep her mind clear, not cloud it in anyway. Ginia may not be an alcoholic, but she's come dangerously close, and she's definitely escaped down a bottle for relief at times.

It's good Scotch, something meant to be enjoyed and savored. Ginia downs it in one go, feeling the burn as it slides down her throat and into an empty stomach. Her eyes don't meet his as she holds out her glass for another drink.]

[ Kakashi certainly isn't passing any judgment of her for needing a drink or two.

Clearly, whatever she went through was difficult and trying, judging by her expression. Probably something she'd rather forget, or at least not think about. Alcohol can help with that, certainly.

He hadn't even managed to pull his mask down for a sip when she'd downed hers.

Kakashi takes the glass back and gestures for Ginia to sit down as he takes a seat on the couch, refilling her glass and handing it to her silently. ]

[Ginia flops down on the couch with a heavy sigh. She sips at the second glass, but the first drink was good for steadying. There's still a desire to maintain whatever pride she has left and save face. Talking to Levi was easier, they were always somewhat honest and level with each other. Levi was Levi, blunt, abrasive, and she knew where she stood with him.

It was different with Kakashi. Because they may have been bedmates, they may have been allies, but that didn't mean trust and honesty. Ginia didn't know where she stood with him, and after hearing and seeing him berate and tear him down via Malnosso drugs and her own insecurities...

Maybe coming here was a mistake.

Ginia swallows her and looks down at her wrapped knuckles, the sting of scrapes and bruises still lingering. Her head throbs - drank too fast? Side affect of a missing feather? Headache from stress? - and she tilts her head up and closes her eyes until the pain fades.

When she opens her eyes again, she sets the drink aside.]

/...They ever take you before?/

[ Kakashi had taken his time pulling his mask down and lifting up his own glass for a sip, nursing his drink slowly and waiting for Ginia to decide when she was ready to talk. If she wanted to simply drink in silence, he would have been fine with that arrangement. After all, he understands how easy it is to find solace in silence.

Besides, she doesn't have to say anything -- or rather, sign anything -- for him to know that she's clearly been put through some sort of hell, and it isn't the bandages on her knuckles, or the errant scratch or bruise that gives that away.

It's the look in her eyes.

When she finally decides to sign, he puts his drink down, having only had two sips, to give her his attention. ]

No. Not yet. I suppose you can say I'm lucky in that respect.

[ He's been on a mission, but that was it. ]

/You are. I hope they never take you./

[Not on her allies, not on her enemies, not on anyone. Ginia found torture as a means of gaining information to be distasteful overall. Studies had shown people would say anything under duress so information would never truly accurate. It was also brutal and inhumane. Often the threat and the beginning was good enough to break most common people. Those who went under training, torture wouldn't work.

Torture for the sake of cruelty and sadistic pleasure, most of her experience with sadistic torturers were from serial killers. Those types were better locked up or put down in the ground.

Torture for the sake of research? That reminds her too much of Charon (and with Charon come memories of a world and people she'll never see again). A lot in common, the rogue Malnoss and Charon. He would study their tactics just as readily condemn them for being too messy.

She looks down at her hands, able to remember them being broken and dislocated, then healed completely. Not even a scar or mark left behind. It almost would have been better if they left a few scars.]

/...Distract me. I can't stop thinking./

[ Distract me, she says, and Kakashi's gaze drifts over to her, studying Ginia for a long, quiet moment.

There is no equivocation about what she's asking for here, and Kakashi understands it far too well, the need to let yourself go by letting someone else in.

There were times in Konoha when he thought night would ever end, when he'd forget what it meant to even be human or if he even was; and when the shadows drew so long he could no longer separate them from himself, the only thing that could ever bring him back from the edge and into himself was to be reminded in the most visceral, physical way that he could still feel anything at all.

Anything real.

Even if it meant being carved up on the inside, bruises blooming on his knees and hips and around his throat, fucked so hard, all he could feel was what slammed into him and the raw, hungry pleasure that overwhelmed the feeling of blood on his hands, the taste of it in his mouth.

He never really did consider it a distraction, so much as it was a process of decompressing, rearranging the parts of himself he could no longer recognize into something that vaguely resembled the shape of a man.

He doesn't know what it was that they did to Ginia that she needs this, too. But the times he's offered himself up to comrades in this way had always been in the aftermath of something terrible. Unspeakable.

(So they spoke with their bodies, instead.)

Reaching out, Kakashi grazes his knuckles against Ginia's cheekbone before his fingers turn and cup her face, tilting her chin up as his mouth comes down in a kiss that is immediately insistent and demanding. Equal parts tender and rough. ]

[Actions speak louder than words and with no words to have actions are all she can do. And it's funny because she's usually the distraction; silent and mysterious in a low-cut dress, attention-grabbing in a halter top and shirt skirt. She's the lure for countless marks.

At the same time, she's everyone's else's distraction too. The one to hold someone's hair back as they vomit and sob over a toilet or in a back alley, the supportive hugs and shoulder rubs, the willing sparring partner, bed partner.

Ginia knows what it means to give and be the one to drink up someone's misery and let it bleed into every part because someone has to stay strong. But even the strongest walls show wear overtime and the Malnosso had a week to chip and hammer away. And oh, she'll rebuilt in time. She always does because that's what you do. Cobble and glue yourself back together before someone else comes along to tear you down.

(Someone always does. It's how the world works. It's not a branching path but interconnected circles that go around and around.)

When Kakashi kisses her, Ginia lets him take control as she presses again him. She'll let him take control, do as he see fit because even if she hasn't had control for a week, she's not ready to take it back. Not yet, not when she feels so raw and jagged and anger is at the forefront and every throat looks the same when you're seeing red.

Bleeding out is better this way. Better her than someone else. Better her than someone else.]

[ He doesn't know if what he can offer will be enough, if it'll help the shot-out, pitch-dark emptiness in her eyes. Doesn't know if what he can give with his body, his mouth, his hands will be what she actually needs, if he's what she needs, but he'll try.

He kisses her in a way that's all-consuming, all tongue and teeth and heat as the hand cupping her face slides to grip the nape of her neck, squeezing as he pulls her forward, his other hand sliding to curl around her side in a swift, steady stroke.

What he's doing here for her has nothing to do with what he wants or needs, has nothing to do with the times they've shared their bodies, or all the other times they've kissed.

This is a process, a deliverance, a release. This is Kakashi telling Ginia that she doesn't need to be in control at the moment, that she can be weak, vulnerable, can let him help her put together the pieces of her that cut apart her hands at the moment. That she can let go and let him hold onto her, steady and strong like the earth in the midst of a storm. Let it rage on over them both, high up overhead, ripping up the detritus of the past and laying the ground bare so she can start over again. ]

Edited 2014-05-08 04:43 (UTC)

[What Ginia needs is something she's long forgotten. There are wants - happiness, peace of mind, the feeling of not having to look over her shoulder, not having to question the motives of every single person she meets - that she clings onto too tightly. Grips so hard she crushes them into crumbs that scatter away. They're selfish wants because she is a selfish, horrible person who is undeserving.

So with wants she can't have and needs she's unsure of, how can she not take whatever comes her way? Oh she'll fight for what she can get and hold on tight, but scraps will feel the emptiest of bellies.

It's pathetic and Ginia knows it.

So she's not sure what to do when Kakashi gives her a chance to let go of things. She falls into his hard kisses and hold, holds him back and squeezes him tight, tries to focus on the feelings and the motions, but it's not about that. It's not about sex, about senseless fucking. It's not even about finding a way to punish for things no one is holding against her but herself.

It's letting go. Letting everything out until there's nothing left so she can fill herself up again with something new. It's a long-needed cathartic release that only someone who understands can give. And their backgrounds are nothing alike, their worlds are nothing alike, and she's never asked for details because pasts are dangerous. Pasts can say a lot and sometimes looking too deep changes things.

(Mostly she knows if she looks too deep into his past, then he's allowed to look back into her's.)

But they have their scars, the cautious tics that come with a life of danger, the guarded interactions, the things that never need to be said because those who know will understand.

And right now Kakashi understands. He understands and it's the last spike needed to break her wall down.

There's a thin line between laughing and crying and when Ginia tears away from him it would be easy to mistake the former for the latter if it weren't the tears falling down her cheek. She doesn't even realize she's begun crying until her vision is blurry and breathing becomes harder. Her head bows, chin touching her chest as she sobs out her pain, her pride, everything she's kept bottled up.]

/Sorry. Sorry. Sorry./

[Ginia doesn't even know why she's apologizing, though the sign comes quick. Old habit. A way to salvage her pride. She doesn't know anymore.]

[ It's the unsaid that's the most dangerous of all.

What they don't reveal to one another, what they don't dare to learn. Some scars go far too deep. Trying to plumb the their depths is like walking into a riptide -- you might just drown if you're not ready. If you can't handle the pull. And Kakashi rarely ever would want to drag anyone down with him, just as he understands why Ginia might not be ready to have him wade into her waters, even if he can handle it and can take it on.

He hadn't expected Ginia to pull away when she did, had thought for a moment that maybe he had been too aggressive, that he'd hurt her in some way, crossed a line she wasn't ready to cross, and had almost been on the verge of an apology when he saw the tears glittering sharp on her cheeks.

It gives him pause for a moment to see her like this, if only because it's rare that he ever finds himself in a position with a woman crying in front of him in the privacy of his own home. Almost isn't sure what to even do at first, but then just acts on instinct, letting his hands move as he gently pulls Ginia to him, tucking her under his chin. ]

Don't apologize.

[ Murmured after a moment, a hand gently stroking its way through her hair. ]

[Ginia lets Kakashi pull her close to him even as she hates herself for crying in front of him. She knows he's not judging her, though she's certainly coming down hard on herself. But it is embarrassing and she wonders if it's changing how he sees her. Realistically she knows it does; every detail shapes understanding of a person. It would be remiss of him not to keep everything in mind, especially as far as the alliance goes.

Crying reminds her of too much. It reminds her of a lonely 22-year-old grieving for her family, stitches and bandages binding one arm together. Of an angry 31-year-old confronting the brother who had betrayed their family and abandoned her. Of too many other memories because the world was a horrible place and the Malnosso had done her the courtesy of drawing repressed memories back front. And with memories come fear and sadness and loneliness and feeling powerless.

And that was how her kidnapping made her feel. She was powerless again. They'd taken her and she fought with everything and it wasn't enough. And if that wasn't good enough, then what was? What good was she? What good was a gun without bullets? a knife without an edge? You could still bludgeon someone with a gun, but that wasn't effective or its intended purpose.

So what was her purpose now?

Crying may release some emotions, but there are others that hold on, digging deep into her mind, twisting and poisoning her thoughts.

'Never take your eye off the enemy in front of you, or you're as good as dead.'

She remembers reality, a kunai at her throat, an arm holding her tight and a whispered warning.

'You're worthless trash.'

She remembers false memories, an arm holding her tight, a husky statement, a kunai slashing her throat open.

Why was it so easy to remember dying?

Right, because she was dead. Because even if some memories said otherwise - she refused to help and lived on in peace; she accepted the proposal and got married - the reality was she made a mistake. She made a mistake and she paid for it. And no matter how much she wanted to enjoy her life here, take a second chance and live on happily, that was a lie.

It too would end. Wasn't that the alliance's goal? To send everyone home?

Ginia's tears subside. She pulls away and puts on a smile because there's her mask and shield.]

/...Why am I here? I should be dead./

[ It doesn't come as a surprise, this revelation.

So many in Luceti have been given a second chance, after all. Kakashi sometimes isn't even sure if he's amongst them -- after all, the last thing he remembered was the pain of being split apart by a blade going straight through him. The sharp burn, low in his belly, right where the celiac artery runs. For all he knows, he could have bled out in Obito's dimension, cut off from the rest of the world. Sometimes he wonders if he survived it. Sometimes he's not so sure.

Either way, he'd be living on borrowed time.

His expression is soft as he looks down at her, takes in the sight of the smile that doesn't reach her eyes. A smile that's not all too different from the very tangible mask he normally wears over his face. ]

Technically, so should I.

[ His own lips slowly turn up at the edges, a ghost of a smile. ]

But I suppose we were given another chance.

[Ginia's expression doesn't change. Ginia's aware there are plenty of others in Luceti living on borrowed time. Marco's was the hardest to know since he was young and still had a life ahead of him (though in a world with Titans, who knew how long that life was). Clove she didn't know well at all, Booker was a revelation made while drunk she doubts he even remembers.

So if he's another for the list... well, it's not easy to know or think about. Probably no easier than it was for Levi to hear earlier in the day. (One day she'd have to tell Erwin. It'd only be fair.) It doesn't even change he's one of the people in charge of the alliance and a known goal is finding a way for people to get home because people do need to go home. This place is good and Ginia will stay if she can, but it's not for everyone. Some have their lives to continue on.]

/It's what everyone says./

[And she's tried to make the best of her time in Luceti. She's tried to make herself useful in order to make up her past life and also out of hope proving her worth would let her stay around longer. An unfounded theory from Clove, but it seemed to be working so far.

Didn't stop her from being kidnapped, but maybe that was her usual luck running out.]

/...Do you know what the worst thing about being taken was? Not knowing when I would come back. If I would come back./

[Knowing she was going to be taken due to a reading from Rei was bad in itself. It made her cautious and paranoid for something that would happen at an unknown time. But being taken and then not knowing how long she would be there, not knowing what would happen, even if she was drugged and disoriented most of the time, it was a fear that hadn't left her.

In her world, there were people that would have turned over heaven and hell to get her back. They would have mobilized the moment she knew. Or she could have figured out her own escape or means of securing her escape.

Here in Luceti, what could anyone do?]

Edited 2014-05-08 06:51 (UTC)

[ Kakashi can only imagine what she went through -- doesn't dare to even ask, because she might not be ready to talk about it yet, and if and when she is, he expects she'll do so on her own terms. And not because of any leading questions. For now, he's here to listen, to support her, to be her anchor in rough waters that threaten to pull her down.

His hand travels, moving to rest on her back gently as he keeps her close. A comforting touch, he hopes.

Doesn't say anything, because right now isn't the time for him to speak.

Right now is the time for him to listen. ]

/Because they could have kept me for as long as they wanted. And since no one has found a way to leave the village, there's no chance of rescue. So they can do whatever they want for no apparent reason and drop you back wherever once they're done. And the village just accepts it./

[Ginia's hands fall down to her sides, finally done with words. Her own depression was now anger again, at the kidnappings, at the complacency at the village, being taken.

And maybe even a little at the fact no one came to help. Living in a building full of ninjas and titan slayers and not a single person noticed.]

[IC] Appointments

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